Seeing what cannot be seen...

NEVER go back home…

aniridia — Tue, 05 May 2009 09:11:41 +0000

So i guess i should have known that moving home was a bad idea. I mean at the time life was so hectic and people all around me just made things worse. It’s been 7 months now and I’m about ready to pull my hair out with every passing day. Let me take a step back and explain a little so that you might get a better idea of what is going on. So i’ve lived 600 miles away from my dad for the majority of my life. I grew up talking to him on the phone and seeing him every other holiday and over the summer. So even now as an adult, there is still this issue of him seeing me as if I’m 10. I knew about this even before I came back, it has always been there. Well, once you’ve lived on your own for a couple years going back to life at the parents is difficult. I get the constant checking up on, and telling me what is going on with them. I mean I get phone calls constatly, to the point where I’ve stopped answering my phone 2/3rds of the time. I know that he has never seen me as an adult but seriously its really gotten annoying. I noticed the other day that he talks to me in the same tone that he talks to my 10 year old cousins. It really got to me this week. So for the past few days I’ve just been avoiding as much contact as possible. So tonight Im chilling watching a couple of shows I’ve missed by not being around and the parents get home….great! So I’m in the middle of the show and he sits down and starts talk… well i take that back, he starts asking questions, and typically i wouldnt mind but he never asks anything out of real curiosity but instead he will ask me questions he already knows the answers to. Its as if he is purposely trying to just get me to say something, anything even if it makes him annoying as hell. He will ask me my work schedule two to three times a day, and in the past two days I’ve told him that I dont work tuesdays about 8 times. So tonight I was cold and answered his pointless questions in monosylabic uh-huh’s and no’s. Which at first was okay and got him to go away. But then not twenty minutes later as I’m walking upstairs to my floor, I passed his den and it was question time again. And no lie, the same dumbass questions again… so I gave a quick no and walked upstairs, with him still talking in the distance. I was hoping he would just drop it. Oh no, he comes upstairs(which hasn’t happened in a few months, it’s kind of my sanctuary) and asks me if I’m okay, if something is going on. How do I say that you’re being f***ing annoying, start treating me like the man that I am! So i quickly reassured him in hope that he would go away. . . I then got a few mintues of peace and quiet until my phone went off. He was calling from no more than a 25 ft distance between us. Wanted to know if i wanted to come watch tv with them…. obvious answer(as it was 15 mintues til i had to leave for work, which we had discussed no less than twice today). Sometimes I am just so frustrated with it, I just want to move back. I want to get back to my life again. The new social bubble that is norfolk is killing me. Going from a major metropolitan area with friends that I have grown up with to a small town of 24k is killer. . . . I mean seriously, people go coon huntin’ out here for their daily past time. I’m not sure how long I’m going to hold out and stay. I mean I have saved a TON of money by living at the parents but i think once I’m out of debt I won’t have any reason to stay. soon enough I will be out of school for the summer, and maybe I can find a second job or something else to occupy my time more so as to not be at the house as often. I’m not sure how i’m going to make it through to august without either him going back to work full time or me going insane! So hopefully, lets please just hope that I post again… it means im not stuck in some insane asylum. . till next time. Try and see how your words and actions are seen by those around you. Ithink you’d be suprised to see how things look to others.

Patience and Respect

aniridia — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 07:46:10 +0000

: (Sometimes patience is a necessary evil)

I think that people have become increasingly less patient and have less respect for their fellow human being.

As you know I work in a hospital at the front desk and I am continually amazed at how unpatient people are. They come in and if you ask more than one question they get upset and feel as though you’re intruding on their lives. Now I get the idea that when you come to the ER, there is an emergency medical issue (ha ha okay maybe 1 in 10 are emergencys) and that you are seeking medical help. However, since when has it been okay to freak out on a fellow human being for something that is completely out of their control? I just don’t understand. I am a firm believer in the practice of taking a step back and understanding others situations. Which in this case hasn’t helped me. . . maybe there is just something that I am missing.

Another thing that has recently caught my attention with regard to people and this is a society wide, is the trend that people have lost all courtesy for social rules and norms. I was reminded of a better time today watching MSNBC’s coverage of the President meeting with the Queen of GB. I think that we as a society have fallen away from the path of respect of people. Now, I am not concluding that people should simply respect people for their position, for as we have all seen people in any position are still people and still make mistakes. However, being that no man, woman or child is perfect I think it ridiculous to disrespect someone on the basis of these mistakes.

I am of the belief that people deserve my respect, my courtesy and consideration untill something is done to loose that credibility. Chivalry is dead in our generation. I rarely see men hold the door for a woman. I rarely see men acting like men and not boys. I rarely see a use of free speech protest without violence and ignorance. People rarely use their intellect and instead use pure emotion. Although emotion is a great motivation, it should motivate one to reflect and contemplate. This was again one of the things I was reminded of today.

Protesters in London were breaking windows and setting fires, one of which has already died. My thought is how many of those people who were protesting have reached out to their political system by calling and setting meetings with their representatives? How many of them have gone to a town hall to have their ideas heard? I doubt that all but a small minority have done so. How does one expects its representative leaders to act in accordance with ones wishes if the representative does not know your wishes?

I’m giving a persuasive speech in 3 weeks in my Communications course on being politically active and being in constant communication with ones respective representatives. If we are not telling our government what we want it to do, we have no room to complain when they do what they want to do. (which is essentially what the respectively wealthy and those with influence want)

Now if one has an open communication with ones representatives and that represtative is still not doing what you have conveyed as your wishes than it is your right to remove them as your representation, and you should push to have this done immediately. So please, PLEASE get out there and let your representatives know what your thoughts and ideas are. You may have an idea of how to fix something that they have not thought of. You may be the solution that is needed, so please let your voice be heard and if you are not heard, grab your constitution and let’s march! (but no burning of buildings please, it really just undermines our plight)

So see what hasn’t been seen and share that with those that are in place to make the changes. Oh and be patient, sometimes many small steps lead to great things. Til next time…

long hours and hard nights

aniridia — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 10:49:54 +0000

school, work, school, sleep, work, school sleep work, sleep, school… and on and on. These long hourso f doing practically nothing are finally wearing on me. Last week, I had my normal course load on wednesday, then afterward spent time with the family and then had to work my normal 1030-630 shift at the hospital. When I got off I went home and fell asleep for 3 hours, then drug myself out of bed and drove 2 hours down to omaha to get fitted for a tux for my brothers wedding. After that we played 18 holes of frizbee golf at a gorgeous course at Iowa Western University. Then another 2 hour drive home and shower then work. After a long night, I head off to school to take two tests and then I can finally sleep.

Long hours and hard nights…

These trials pass, nothing I can’t handle.You Just Gotta Breathe, and let what ever is happening hit you like a wave, and do whatever you need to one step at a time.

I have confidence that you can do what you need to. I have faith in you. Just breathe.

Tell your mom you love her today. Til later, keep seeing what can’t be seen.

Update :)

aniridia — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 07:06:14 +0000

Late nights, early mornings and so much to do has left me with no other conclusion than coffee is god! Since I last wrote I have moved states, gotten a new job and pretty much turned my life upside down.

I went from living in denver metropolitian area to the small country town of Norfolk, Ne. From a few million to 23k. From starbucks on the corner to nil a mall.

I went from being big man on campus at my lovely little bowling alley to being the “new guy” in an all female department at a hospital. I went from working normal people hours, 9-5 to working the vampire shift 1030p-630a.

I went from being all on my own to livin with the rents again! <— thats a big change as it is! Holy shit!

Well although all that may make you ask me, “Why would you do it? Doesn’t it suck?” I’d tell you no.

Yes, Norfolk is small

Yes, Work is different

Yes, going socially cold turkey is hard.

BUT! There are so many little blessings here that I can do nothing but love it! Take today for example, I spent the morning sleeping in, which i never used to be able to do. Then I woke up to a beautiful 70 degree weather day, and went frolfing (frizbee golfing) with two of my cousins. Great times! Afterwards spent the evening with my family going through a few tubs of photos that had come out of my late grandfathers house. Memories are blessings from God (and not the coffee one in this case ).

So how can I say that everything is bad. Life is good, small pleasures is something that I think I was missing out on. I need this right now, let’s call it a move to rejuevenate. A trip to revitalize. A trip at a new life.

Til next time, which hopefully will be soon, drink your carmel machiattos for me, enjoy the hussel and bussel of life for me and I will enjoy the slow pace and fresh air of lil ole nebraska. Good luck and let me know what can be seen.

done messing around!

aniridia — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 02:50:08 +0000

So for the last two semesters I’ve just been messing around at a community college, not really focusing on what I want to do or taking any classes that I care about, which of course means I havent done very well in them. But this last weekend with all thats been going on with the drama at home and everything that I’ve been focusing on. I really want to stop messing around. Which means that I’ve been looking at admission requirements and my major requirements. So now all I have to do is come up with some way to get 1600 dollars before the fall. Which is i think the worst part of going to college now a days, and that is financial aid! You have the fafsa to fill out, at the college I’m attending another ridiculously long form called the UAPP, then there are the scholarship applicaitons, essay upon essay, application after application… anyway, its very time consuming and annoying! But I guess its worth it, because I may put in 20-40 hours doing all this paper work and getting everything filled in but in return I’m getting 3-5 thousand dollars which is WAY more than I normally make in a 20 -40 hour week lol. Anyway, wish me luck in everything, and I will let you know whats going on and how much I end up with.

Oh and just so you know, I’m trying to make it as far as i can in college without taking out studnet loans… so heres to nothing, I mean if i have to take out loans at least I’ll still be back at it i guess! Till later!

aniridia — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 05:54:36 +0000

So I leave tomorrow to go back to nebraska to see some of my family and watch the annual Husker Spring Game. It’s almost midnight, my flight leaves in tweleve hours, I haven’t packed a damn thing and I am still stuck at work because I had one lane come in and they just refuse to leave. Now I don’t mind all that much because I’m getting paid to sit on my ass and blog but hey its still a little boring.

We had the broomfield chamber of commerce in tonight. Which basically means that a bunch of stuck up business people from the community came in and bowled and drank. This of course means that everyone is sticking their noses as far up each others bums as possible it makes me sick! The chamber does these events once a month that get business owners out and mingling with other business owners. So everyone sits around and talks about how great their business is and how their business can help everyone elses’.

They left around 8 tonight and by 930 I had the place ready to close so I sent everyone home because although my sanity my stick around a while longer with them here, my boss might not like me killing profit with payroll. So anyway I’ve been sitting around for almost two hours doing nothing. I’ve had two lanes come in since I sent everyone home and I won’t lie sitting here typing is probably the only thing keeping me from threatening them to leave and locking the doors as soon as they step out.

Also, I quit smoking (I know yeah!!!! ) the day before yesterday, and sitting here bored off my ass I can’t help but want a cigarette. My bartender Kathy and I usually spend these boring hours outside smoking, talking about all the gossip and thinking of ways we could potentially pass the time next time that its dead like this.

So anyway, in about 30 mins they will be gone and I will be out of here. I may not write for a few days because I’ll be out of town and I’m not too sure how much free time I’ll have. Hopefully, I can fill you in and put up some good pictures. Til then, get some sleep, for me! lol And keep seeing the unseen… by the way my observation for today was a woman so desperate to be noticed. Let’s all look around and find those people that need someone to recognize them.. night!

aniridia

sweet distractions…

aniridia — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 18:12:14 +0000

With all this anger I’ve been feeling lately, and all the spare time that I now have because my friends arent talking ot me, I’ve had to find a certain amount of distractions. First of all, I have been writing on here daily, which has helped tremendously. Secondly, I have been reading a shit ton, I have finished two books that I had been stuggling to read for almost four months now, and I reread two books that are probably some of my favorites. Third, I have been cleaning non-stop. I wake up and clean the whole house daily now, it kinda gets me going and proves to my roommates that I’m not an ass hole… but anyway my newest distraction I decided would be working out. So this morning I woke up and went to the gym for a good hour or so, and then came home and cleaned and read and now I’m writing on my blog. lol So that took an hour and it helped to get some frustrations out and increase my endorphins which right now is always a good thing, so I’m not sure I’m goinig to be doing that once or twice a day, I may go in after work tonight and work out. Either way I figure I’ll get into the shape that I need to be for this summers 14er peak bagging that I’m doing as well as get me into better shape to not let aaron think he can throw me around… his 40lb weight advantage on me is slightly unfair right now. lol oh well. So anyway I’m off to do another load of laundry and read another chapter! Til later!

interpretations of the mind. . .

aniridia — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 22:29:53 +0000

As I start to write the words, “There comes a time,” just about eek out but the more that I think about it this time isnt any more special than any other. Life continues to amaze me as to how quickly things change, how a few words, a few actions can change the relationships the circumstances, and the perspectives that you have in life. I think about my actions and what those actions have led to .. but this reflection also makes me realize that it takes more than one action, one word tochange the course of things and for that matter it takes more than one person to change things. When people tell you that you need to get ready for the real world. I really wish they would save their breath. There is no way to prepare for theshit that life throws your way. I guess when you hear people say that you dont realize how much the really are trying to look out for you. I dont think that there is any real way to prepare yourself fro the bullshit that is this life. Over the last few few years I ahve boldly and sadly entered this “real world” and if you dont believe anohter word that I say believe this, IT SUCKS! Stay a child as long as you can, once you grow up and start being an adult all the bullshit that as a kid didnt mean anything starts to be important and starts to hurt and once it starts hurting it never stops. You end up falling in love with someone, and it feels like the real world isnt so bad. Things go greeat for a while, the days are brighter and food tastes better and even little actions seems to be significant. Then all of a sudden you almost wake up and all those little memories start to hurt because you realize that youve been fooled. Get used to it, it wont be the last time. Times goes by and one day the pain of that love will seemingly disappear, but just remember that youre now in the real world which means a song willl play or youll see her again and the pain and guilt and hopelessness will come rushing back so fast that you wont even know what happened. Then youre not through, just as you think youve got the pain of your love under control a friend leaves. In all my experience the only person you can talk to, trust, believe in and rely on is yourself. Friendships get chopped up by the slightest utterance or action. So if you know a friendship is going to be over than go with a bang that way at least youll have a good story to tell as to why youre no longer friends. That helps somewhat in making the empty hole in your being not feel so vast and endless. Sometimes I think about how I could have saved a friendship. I enevitably think about what I could have done to stop what happened but then I came to the realization. There hasnt been one person in my entire life that I have been the oneto cut them out, to abandon them. Which is really sad because it means that there is something really really fucked up with me. No matter how many times I think about it I cant figure it out what I did. I mean there’s one small action but nohting that would make me just give up on a friendship. Which begs me to ask the question that i fit wasnt the actions or words that made these people abandon me, what did i do? What do I continue to do to drive people away from me. Its as if I’m repulsice for some reason. Now this all probably seems a little bit dramatic and just plain overkill but in the last year and 3 months I ahve lost 10 people that were my best friends. That means that on average I go a month and a half between losing friends and these arent people that you just are aquaintences with these are the people that you think youll know for the rest of your life. These are the people that have come to know everything about you. They are the people that you go to when lifes a bitch. These are your friends/soulmates. People that your life revolves around. People that when that friendship does end you find yourself without anything. You find yourself staying up late listening to music from the 90′s and writing 5 page long ramblings! However no matter how bad life gets when you lose youre love and all your best friends I have to say that when you get depressed and dont know why, I think that is worse than anything. I dont think I can take anymore. I’ve been depressed for way too long now. I remember when this shit first started. I thought it had to do with her and not having her in my life anymore. I soon realized that she wasnt my problem, so then I looked to losing all my best friends. But again I realized that although atthe time both of these things are very depressing they dont mean that much in the wide skeem of things. So thats why when I realized that I was upset and pissed off I was depressed for no reason and that scared the shit out of me. I remember I drove to the mountains I went somewhere that I only have the best of memories. I tried to find myself or at least he person tha tI was in those memories. But no matter how hard I tried to remember what was so great with those times I just couldnt. It made no sense that made thing even worse. When I was driving back down a very stupid thought came to mind and its one that stuck with me and keeps coming to mind and that was what would be the big deal if i just drove over the cliff and ended everything. What if it all just stoppped hurting I wanted so badly to just die and end my suffering. I tried very hard to do it but unfortunatly I was driving my friends car. Well I guess she was my friend then, not so much anymore but anyway, I am very glad that I havent had similar opportunity and thoughts since then. Life sucks and if you cant hold on, dont bother, youre not missing much.

distrust.

aniridia — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 07:01:37 +0000

I can no longer trust people. it hurts too much when they betrey you. i no longer have friends, i no longer have people who mean something to me, i am my own person that is completely by mself. fuck drama, fuck people not being able to grow up!

And then there was Boredom…

aniridia — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 07:31:35 +0000

I have come to battle boredom more and more often of late. My new position at work means that although I get more money and I am working harder and harder at my job and making the company excell, I have become the closing manager… now normally this wouldnt be a problem, you know close around 9 be home in time to watch the evening news.

Unfortunately for me I work at a bowling alley that doesn’t close til 1am on a week night and 4 on a weekend. Not the picture of a fullfilling and joyous job. Now I have to say that I actually do enjoy my job, I have fun, it’s not extremely difficult or challenging anymore but it pays the bills and lets me interact with my friends while still making money. However the bowling industry takes a pretty big hit during the summer months due to the fact that its warm outside so why would any body want to be inside if they dont have to?! Well this being the case over the last few weeks business has died off as it always does and I have come to begin fighting the boredom battle once again.

This evening alone I have sat at my computer for approx 4 hours of my 8 hour shift. Watching youtube videos, planning my summer trips to the mountains, online shopping etc. For the last four hours I have had a total of 5 lanes, all of which need no assistance. I have the entire center cleaned, and ready for closing, all I need to do now is to close the audit, (press one button), turn off the music (flip one switch), and lock the doors. However i have one lane that just refuses to finish up. It is pretty dead and because it is dead I had everyone but myself and my bartender go home almost 4 hours ago. And even my bartender has been gone for an hour and a half now.

This is the point in which I am trying so desperatly to find something to do to keep my mind off how much I loath these people for coming in at midnight and wanting to bowl! I mean I understand the fact that I work in this industry and that therefore I am up this late on a regular basis taking care of the closing aspect of the building. But whats their excuse?! I mean seriously who is sitting around at home and says to themselves after watching letterman and connan and the daily show lets go to the bowling alley and bowl til 1 am! I just dont get it!

What it really frustrating is that currently at my house my two roommates are having a wonderful party, of which quarters and beer pong are occuring at an alarming rate, so much so that by the time that I get home in about 45minutes there wont be a beer left in the fridge and I will have an unknown amount of people passed out on my floor… so exciting to go home to!

Well anyway its time that the people leave so I must go clean up with them, and get home. I hope that in your boredom and searching of the internet that you have stumbled upon this blog and I have had the opportunity to keep you unbored for even a few minutes. Sleep well world!

Aniridia